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Synopsis
??? is a radio channel that plays non-story related transmissions from the Zone. These transmissions appear at random when the radio channel is changed or a song has ended. They are only able to be listened to on the car radio and will not play on Oppy's Jukebox.
??? transmissions consist of radio show segments, government broadcasts, advertisements and local Zone broadcasts.
Transmission Transcripts
Welcome to the Olympic Peninsula
“Welcome to the Olympic Peninsula. Enjoy your time here on this beautiful corner of the world. To the north, you'll find the Strait of Juan de Fuca. The east, Hood Canal, and to the west, the Pacific Ocean. You'll find temperate rain forests, natural lakes and rivers, and endless parkland to explore. Sleep beneath the stars, hike along our beautiful coastline, and enjoy the magic of the wilderness.”
Crash Test Dummy Commercial
"Whether you're testing the latest automobile or aircraft, you'll need a steady supply of crash test dummies.
Our specialized test devices feature an extensive system of 53 poseable joints for all your needs.
Right now, we have an Explosive Deal going on. Buy one of our pallets and get the other one half off.
Folks, I would not wait on this deal. These things are practically walking out the door!”
Definitely Dental
“If you're like me and you hate going to the dentist, try Definitely Dental. The fluoride, sugar-free ice cream. Three scoops a day will keep the dentist away.
That's a ten!”
Stone’s Service Center
“Now where in Sasquatch's shampoo did that thing go? You know, you try and be prepared when you come to these things and I wrote out my script and I cannot find that thi—what do you mean it's on?
Well, you know I can't work these fancy contraption things. I can barely plug in a light bulb let alone understand what this thing is. Well you know what, let's just move along. Got a flat tire from rolling over one of them prickly sumsa-[STATIC]? Twirly-dos got your steering all backwards? Well, come on down to Stone's Service Center where we'll get you fixed up faster than a Sasquatch [STATIC]-ing in the woods. That's Stone’s Service Center. On the corner of Dante's Diner and Mango's Golden Hour.”
Sierram LIM Fair
LIM Fair Competition
Host: “Today, we welcome to our program the assistant to the general manager of the Section 1 Northern Facility, Dr. Ken Washington. Welcome.”
Dr. Washington: “Happy to be here.”
Host: “Dr. Washington, I understand that you’ve lived here, in the Zone, for some time?”
Dr. Washington: “Yes. In fact, I was born and raised on the Olympic Peninsula. My choice to come back here was a mystery to some colleagues, but there was never a question that I’d come home. I just figured it’d happen much later in my career, but here I am.”
Host: “What can you tell us about this new initiative you’re spearheading?”
Dr. Washington: “My chief focus since joining the Regulatory Commission was to put LIM technology into the hands of the people. It’s been 20 years since the Zone was established, when the original commission carved up the Peninsula in the name of research. Of course, it was a necessary action— both for saving lives and advancing research. But after two decades, it’s time to share what we’ve learned—the utter magic of what we’ve been able to create—with LIM tech.”
Host: “And that’s all taking place with something you’re calling the LIM Fair.”
Dr. Washington: “That’s right. We’re bringing the wonder of LIM waves to the residential scale. One lucky town on the Olympic Peninsula will be gifted with government-sponsored builds of all the latest LIM technology. Imagine, the power of quantum oscillodynamics, nano-normalization, and the like, shrunk down to the size of a toaster! How about that?”
Host: “That’s a lot of fancy science terms. But what does it all do?”
Dr. Washington: “Whatever you want! Sky’s the limit. We’ll work with you to choose what LIM tech best fits your personal and professional goals.”
Host: “Okay. You said only one lucky town gets these gifts. So how will you select the town?”
Dr. Washington: “Nice catch. We’re inviting all towns within 50 mile radius of the Zone to apply. Send in your applications, tell us what your town is all about, and what LIM tech could do for you. You’ve got until November 20th to send in your entries. And I’ll be reviewing them all myself personally, so I really look forward to hearing from everyone.”
Host: “Alright. You heard it here. Apply early. And apply often. Good luck.”
Sierram's Mayor Announces the LIM Fair
"Hello, my dear residents of Sierram. This is your doting mayor, Steve Strawberry. I’m very pleased to let you know that Sierram’s been chosen as the site for the first annual LIM Fair.
That’s right, next month, our town square will be the epicenter for the greatest spectacle of technology on Earth. So many of you wrote in and campaigned for our little town and gosh, I just couldn’t be prouder. Now, what this all means is that every household—and yes I mean every single one of us 85 families— gets to take home their very own piece of LIM tech. Now ain’t that grand?
So it’s time to put those thinking caps on and decide what kind of device you’d like. And ladies, that means it’s time to start campaigning your husbands for that floor polishing, air freshening, hair-doing doodad that I know the government’s been whipping up behind the scenes. Imagine not having to make that 30 minute trek all the way to the city for your monthly perm. If that's not what that technology is for, then I don't know what.”
KRBZ The Zone
Boiled Eggs
DJ: “Welcome back to KRBZ The Zone. For those of you who are just joining us, we are here with Elaine.”
Elaine: “Hello!”
DJ: “An egg-cellent chef who is going to teach us the secrets of the perfect hard boiled egg. Elaine?”
Elaine: “You're too kind! Well, to make a boiled egg, you've got to get a pot. And then you put the pot inside of an egg. I mean actually, you do the opposite. You put the egg inside of the pot. And then you put it on the stove.”
DJ: “Oh! Well I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there supposed to be some water in there?”
Elaine: “Oh yeah, yeah, you're supposed to put some water in there. Sorry, forgot that part.”
DJ: “Well, what part of the steps does the water go?”
Elaine: “What part of the steps does the water go?”
DJ: “Yes.”
Elaine: “In the beginning. You should put it in in the beginning, Yeah, definitely the beginning.”
DJ: “Oh, well, for how long are you supposed to cook it in the water?”
Elaine: “I would say until it's done. Yeah let's go with that. Let's—until it's done.”
DJ: “Well okay, isn't that just egg-cellent? Thank you for tuning into KRBZ The Zone. Until next time!”
Minty Fresh Nightmares
DJ: “Thank you for tuning into KRBZ The Zone. Here today we're with Dr. Garlic.”
Dr. Garlic: “'Garleese.'”
DJ: “Oh, my apologies. 'Garleese.'”
DJ: “They're here to discuss their new book Minty Fresh Nightmares and how going to bed with fresh breath is the root cause to all mouth-based nightmares.”
Dr. Garlic: “Yes, this is true. Brushing your teeth before bed. The mint, it causes you poor sleep.”
DJ: “So, why would fresh breath give me nightmares about my teeth?”
Dr. Garlic: “Well, what you have to understand about the mouth, is that everything starts there. Yes.”
DJ: “Yeah I could agree.”
Dr. Garlic: “The sleeping, the snoring, the salivating.”
DJ: “Yeah.”
Dr. Garlic: “When you salivate, you release an enzyme, a chemical that combines with the mint and it gives you the horrible nightmares.”
DJ: “Yeah, I suppose I could see that being a bit of a thing, but—”
Dr. Garlic: “Personally I am chased. Haunted. Beset upon by horrors the likes the world has never seen.”
DJ: “You know every time I go to the dentist, I always have nightmares about that too. They always keep talking about how I need to floss more and I just—I don't get it. Is this part of the minty freshness?”
Dr. Garlic: “Possibly. I would like to study you.”
DJ: “Oh.”
Zap’s Douglas Fir Your Knowledge Tree Facts
Redwood
Hey there, folks. It's Zap and it’s time for the next segment of Zap's Douglas Fir Your Knowledge tree facts. Today, we're keeping it in the coniferous family and are going to be talking about the beautiful and proud redwood. Now, as many of my listeners know, these incredible trees are absolutely massive. What you may not know, however, is that, in fact, they are the largest tree in the world.
Besides being big, they are also as old as the hills themselves. Some can live for thousands of years, and as a species they date almost all the way back to the dinosaurs. Incredible.
Now their bark has a very low amount of resin when compared to other similar trees, which helps make it slightly fire resistant. Here in the Zone, I certainly wouldn’t mind that advantage for myself.
Now we don’t have any here on the Peninsula, but given how weird it can get out there, I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if one shot out of the ground between my feet while I was out on my next hike.
Anyway, that’s all for today. As always, stay safe out there. Keep your eyes on the trail and leave the forest as you found it.”
Western Red Cedar
“Hello. This is Zap and it’s time for another segment of Zap’s Douglas Fir Your Knowledge tree facts. This time, we’re going to be learning about the Western Red Cedar.
Interestingly the heartwood of this tree contains a variety of special chemicals. One thing found is plicatic acid which is considered to be an irritant and can set off allergic reactions. It can even lead to occupational asthma in woodworkers.
Another compound found inside is thujaplicin and no, I did not make that word up, although I probably mispronounced it. I’m doing my best. Anyway, thujaplicin acts as something of a fungicide to help the tree fight off interior rotting.
The last chemical is thujone, whose presence in the leaves can lead to a menthol smell when crushed. It is, however, a monitored substance as it, like much in the Zone, can be very harmful to the nervous system when ingested.
Speaking of which, I keep hearing broadcasts where ill-advised explorers are trying to eat various plant and Zone life. I cannot stress how unwise this is. You should stop or you will die.
With that hopefully educational ending note, it is time to call it. As always, stay safe out there. Keep your eyes on the trail and leave the forest as you found it. And don’t eat it!”
Doctor Kauker
“Hello, this is Zap and it's time for a special version of Zap’s Douglas Fir Your Knowledge tree facts. This specific segment is here purely to address a series of written correspondences I’ve had with a certain \"Doctor\" Kauker. And I use the term doctor with the greatest of air quotes.
Doctor Kauker, to you and to all who have somehow been unfortunate enough to hear your lectures on biology, I must set the record straight.
What is and is not a plant is strictly determined by scientific process, photosynthesis, reproductive systems, and the categorization of cellular makeup. It is not determined by whether or not the thing has eyeballs.
What a truly preposterous suggestion. Just because a bird has eyes does not make it not a plant. What of worms? What of jellyfish, or even the Mississippi River? Your infantile claims are doing nothing more than to further sink the credibility of this Peninsula into absurdity and myth, and I will have nothing of it.
Good day.
Oh, and to everyone else: stay safe, keep your eyes on the trail and leave the forest as you found it.”
KADD Mystery Radio
The Old Road
“KADD Mystery Radio Productions presents:
Good evening and welcome. I’m K.A. Holmes.
I don't know about you, but to me, there is no story with a deeper fascination and compelling
attraction than one about a haunted house.
Most ghost stories are like the ringing of a bell. But no matter how often they’re rung, there is an infinite variety in the changes. The many possible tone changes are based on conditions like weight, force, and environment, and are not infinite, but they are wide enough and complex enough to provide more variety than most of us will encounter in our lifetime. What we are about to present you, we hope, rings a little different to you than many other stories of its kind.
Tonight’s mystery drama, The Old Road, was written especially for Mystery Radio by Meg Entwistle and stars Russell Gallaghar and Mervyn Leigh.”
Flash Wednesday
Come On Down To Sector F
“Bored on a Wednesday night? We know you've got nothing else going on, so come on down to Sector F and join us for Flash Wednesday—the hottest and only dance party in the Zone. Free Anomalies at the door to the first 50 guests.”
In Your Living Room
“You know what day it is? It's Flash Wednesday, ladies and gentlemen! The hottest dance party—and only party—in the Zone. Turn your radios to 131.2 and join us in your very own living room, because we sure as heck aren't meeting anywhere after what happened last time—”
You Don't Want To Miss Out
“Hey, kids, you know what's going on tonight? It's Flash Wednesday. Featuring DJ Spitter, DJ Belcher, and all the hottest Anomalies in the Mid-Zone! You don't want to miss out, because like, nothing else happens here, so you might as well—”
Weather Reports
Sector 6
“Good morning everyone, it’s April 10, 1984, and happy Tuesday. Here in Sector 6, it’s looking like a cloudy morning. Currently 58 degrees Fahrenheit, about 14 Celsius. Radiation low across the board, an even 2.3 microSieverts/hour.
There’s a chance of showers coming in around 4:00 in the afternoon for a couple of hours. Should be a nice drizzle until the late evening. Then clouds will move on and go back into hiding until next week. It’ll be a full moon out, if you’re late enough to catch it. That’s all for now. Have a lovely, lovely day.”
Sector 2
“Good morning. I hope you all had a lovely sleep. And, if you can believe it, it’s Friday, once again! Sector 2 is bright and sunny with a beautiful breeze, around 53 Fahrenheit, close to 12 Celsius. You’re going to want to watch out around noon, there’ll be a quick radiation spike of 12 microSieverts for just over an hour. You’ll want the kids indoors for that one. Or at the very least, wearing their eyeshields during that time.
Later today, right around tea time, warming up to 70 Fahrenheit. You’ve got some clouds rolling in, and it’ll stay that way until bedtime, with radiation levels settling back under 2 microSieverts. The fog’ll be back first thing tomorrow, so get in your full day of blue skies and golden sunshine. And we’ll see you back here tomorrow, bright and early, with your weather as always.”
Forgotten Paths Zone
Welcome
Noah: “Hello and welcome to the Forgotten Paths Zone podcast coming to you over your radio. We are live here and I'm joined by my friend Justin and my friend Taffy. My name's Noah. I'm your GM as always, as we dive into the spookiness that is this wonderful rolling, roleplaying game. How are you all doing?”
Taffy: “You always do that like people are listening. Nobody's listening.”
Justin: “Yeah, can we just- can we just get to it, man?”
Taffy: “I'd like to play. Yeah, I've got food getting cold.”
Noah: “But guys, like, what if somebody is out there listening?”
Justin: “There's no one listening.”
Noah: “But here's the thing- if we're going to play anyways, we might as well create stuff for people out there, right?”
Taffy: “If there's anyone out there, I hope they bring back good pizza.”
Justin: “If it helps you move it along, sure.”
Enter A Clearing
Noah: “You all enter the clearing, and there’s tall trees all around you. And there’s something eerie coming out of them. There’s some sort of creature, and it reaches out and it attacks you, Justin. I need you to make a dexterity saving throw. Roll your dice.”
Justin: “Alright. A seven?”
Noah: “That’s not great at all. It knocks you over and begins to advance towards Taffy. And as it is, it takes a second, it extends a long clawed hand, or arm, or whatever this thing is. And Taffy, it strikes out at you. Can you make a constitution saving throw?”
Taffy: “12.”
Noah: “You guys are rolling really bad today. You’re both knocked down. Taffy, your character starts to actually throw up, and Justin, you are feeling some bruises there, my guy.”
Justin: “Mhmm.”
Taffy: “Let’s see. I cast summon stinking cloud!”
Roleplaying
Narrator: “They turn their hand, their eyes, their heads to you. But their bodies stay positioned facing Anoop. And a strong wind blows. And their bodies sort of, like, dissipate on the wind.”
Voice 1: “Why did you yell, Bedwir? [static], Bedwir. Get your [static] together, man.”
Narrator: “Anoop is—sort of—standing in the moonlight, on the bridgestone.”
Voice 2: “We needed to find out what he was doing. I was just—”
Voice 1: “Not by [static] yelling at him, [static].”
Voice 3: “I think that Bedwyr has to go down and talk to Anoop. Like, I—”
Voice 1: “No, I’m [static], I’m going down. And I’m like—”
Voice 2: “I’ll be up here.”
Voice 4: “I can come with you.”
Voice 1: “Fine. Bedwyr has to come, but it’s as a punishment.”
Voice 2: “I’ll be up here, analyzing the situation, from a safe distance.”
Voice 1: “I look at Tawny, and I’m like—so was she elected as the marshall? Or did she run uncontested? How did she get in this role?”
Voice 3: “We needed a marshall? That's pretty much it. Like—”
Voice 1: “There’s nothing more to that story? Alright.”
Voice 3: “Nope.”
Trapping An Anomaly
Part 1
“I was out in the Zone on my usual route when I ran into one of those spiky leech Anomalies. I was thinking—what if I tried to capture one? I just need to build a trap. Shouldn’t be too hard. Got lots of spare parts lying around here.”
Part 2
“Okay, trap is set. If this works, I’ll be able to study these and see what makes them tick. I may even be able to de-spike them, you know, make them safe. Might want to keep one around just as a pet. Gets kind of lonely around here.”
Part 3
“The trap worked perfectly. Oh, I’m so excited to start studying these guys. I think I need a name for him though. How about Richard? Yeah, I like that. Alright, Richard, let’s get to work.”
Part 4
“Well, that was a disaster, not only am I not able to de-spike them, but my trap didn’t hold. My lab—call it that—is now destroyed and I barely got the thing outside. On a side note, I need some more bandages.”
Cooking
The Scavenging Gourmet
“We’re using a mysterious yellow growth we found near the exclusion zone that I think is a vegetable or a fungus. It made no audible complaint when I harvested it.
We’ve sliced and topped it with some parmesan, basil, salt, and pepper. And we broiled it using some thermal vents that have appeared behind my house.
So let’s dive in and see how it turned out.
The taste is reminiscent of soft-boiled egg. My stomach feels like I’m descending very quickly on an elevator. And not to be alarmist, but I can no longer see anymore, not in the traditional sense.
I am currently trapped in a recovered memory of watching my grandmother bake oatmeal cookies when I was seven.
All in all, though, I think what we’re calling Broiled Denis is a success, four whisks out of five, I’ll make it again. Until next time then, this is Dennis Wiley, the Scavenging Gourmet, reminding you to treat each meal as though it was your last.”
How To Butcher a Grouse in 60 Seconds
“Alright, I know you all want to stay fed. So we’re gonna do “how to butcher a grouse in 60 seconds” here.
Take your grouse. I know you got a headshot on that little guy. Chop the head off. Take your shears, chop that head right off. Don’t need it. Toss it aside.
Okay, you’re gonna place it back down, breast up. Spread the wings out. Spread them out nice and wide. T-Pose. Put one foot on the left wing, one foot on the right wing.
Grab those feet with both your hands. Pull. You’re going to hear the skin rip. It’s going to pull all the guts out with it.
You should now be looking at a gut-out, breast-on grouse. Chop those wings off, take your shears, chop them right off. You don’t need those either.
You now have no skin left on that breast. Ready to cook.
Chop the legs off that you pulled off on the bottom. You’re good to go.
Rinse it out. Stick it on a spit. Roast it over that fire.
Stay fed. Stay frosty.”
Cook with Karina
“Still don’t know where your friends are? Or your family? Don’t worry. Cook with Karina!
Today we’ll cook a pizza, without flour, without salt, without water and without oil. But coming up I will tell you how to make it if you had all those ingredients. Don’t go anywhere.”
Chocolate Chip Butterscotch Cookies
“Today, I’m going to share my favorite recipe with you: chocolate chip butterscotch cookies.
These cookies take me right back to my childhood. Growing up in a large family, it could be hard to find the time, or space, to make them. I remember the first time I cooked these as a child, and how I turned on the mixer too fast after adding all the flour. Suddenly, I was surrounded by a white cloud. We couldn’t finish baking until the dust settled.
This recipe calls for enough butter to grease a parking lot. So much butter bakes the cookies right into a puddle. One time they actually melted so aggressively in the oven that they dripped over the side of the pan. But so much butter gives the cookie its signature creamy taste and melt-in-your-mouth texture.”
Zone Regulatory Commission
“Attention employees and residents of PN-26, this is broadcast 7750 from the Zone Regulatory Commission. Effective 0700 hours, all pneumatic tubes within sectors 2 and 8 must be closed and sealed for a period of 24 hours. It may be expected that this closure will extend into the week. For urgent communications, Maintenance Crews will be accepting materials for transport at your nearest facility site. Consult your handbooks for the location closest to you.
All facilities within sectors 10 and 11 are to be evacuated come sundown on Saturday, January 4th. During the evacuation period, keep off the streets as much as possible, and carry your gas masks with you always. Evacuation crews will visit every household within these sectors to count that every member of your household is present. If you are traveling to other sectors within this time, report the location of your household to the Commission no later than January 3rd. Failure to do so will result in longer enforcement periods.”
Forced Evacuation
“Baby, I know you're out there. I don't know if you'll hear this. I don't even know if I turned this thing on right, but they're making me leave. I was waiting at the house for you to come back, so I'd—so someone would be here. But they're making me leave and I don't know where they're taking me. They said it's not safe here. I'm sorry. I love you.
Okay, I'm coming.”
Pacific Sasquatch vs Sonoran Wildcats
“A recap of last night’s thriller between your Pacific Sasquatch and the Sonoran Wildcats. The Sasquatch managed to sneak a W in overtime with the help of Ian Ratzenberger’s 2 goal effort, including the game-winning slapshot from the point. The Sasquatch move to first in the division and take on the Demons at home next week.”
Ghost Hunting
Paul: “What the [STATIC] is that?”
Nicole: “Sarah? Do you see that?”
Sarah: “There's like, floating things in the trees? Oh, my camera’s going glitchy. Is this evidence? Like is this—”
Paul: “I don't know—”
Nicole: “Oh my God. Guys, look, look, look.”
Sarah: “What is that? What is that?”
Paul: “Woah, [STATIC] me. What is that?”
Paul: “Oh [STATIC].”
Nicole: “Paul?”
Sarah: “Paul?”
Paul: “I brought you some shampoo. It's gonna be okay!”
Still Surviving
“I don't know why I'm still surviving, still dodging the end. Maybe it's hope, maybe it's the thought of you. If I could just see you smile, we could at least recognize the beauty of this place together. I've been completely in awe since, well, since I've been here and for so long now I've just wanted someone to share it with. I guess I just wanted to tell you, if you have someone there with you, be present with them. Don't let anything distract.
I guess I've realized now that it's gone that that's the meaning. And if you're alone like I am, I love you. I'm thinking about you.”
What Do Spiky Guys Sound Like?
Voice 1: “Hey. So I was walking out back the other day and I saw one of those spiky guys flying through the trees.”
Voice 2: “You did?”
Voice 1: “Yeah. What do you think they sound like?”
Voice 2: “Eeeewwwwwwahhhhh. I think that’s it.”
Voice 1: “Oh really? I–”
Voice 2: “I think so.”
Voice 1: “I don’t know I kind of feel like they’re like uh mmmmmreeaahhhhhhahhhhh”
Too Much Information
“Hello out there wide world of no one because I don't know where anyone is and I don't think anyone is listening. This is day 200? Is it 200 already? I have lost track of the days. We are coming to you live from the decaying shack that used to be my home. Our first segment today, my favorite, Too Much Information!
I have some sort of strange rash. Some sort of strange rash and I'm not talking about the kind you have fun getting. I don't know what it is but it looks very odd. Oh wait I think the power is about to go out that might be the end of our sh—”
Ghosts Are Big
Voice 1: “So there’s been like a bunch of weird stuff happening over on Smith Zone?”
Voice 2: “Yeah, like ghosts.”
Voice 3: “I hadn't seen it.”
Voice 1: “Yeah?”
Voice 2: “Yeah, big ones.”
Voice 3: “Did you really say ghosts?”
Voice 2: “Yeah?”
Voice 3: “How many times have you said ghosts? It’s not ghosts. It’s never been ghosts.”
Voice 2: “It’s ghosts.”
Voice 3: “It’s not—okay, name one thing that’s making it a ghost. Name one, you can’t.”
Voice 2: “Big.”
Voice 3: “That’s not exclusive to ghosts but okay. Keep going.”
Voice 2: “It’s big and it’s glowing.”
Voice 3: “That’s light bulbs, congratulations.”
Voice 2: “And you can see through it.”
Voice 3: “There’s see-through lightbulbs, that’s a thing. You saw a light, congrats, they’re everywhere.”
Voice 2: “30-foot light. I mean that’s a ghost.”
Voice 3: “I mean, like the telephone pole? That’s not a ghost. That’s just a public—”
Voice 2: “The whole telephone pole doesn’t light up. That never happens.”
Voice 3: “There’s lights on them sometimes. Light pole, telephone pole, same thing.”
Voice 2: “Yeah, at the top, but it’s not a ghost. Ghosts are big.”
Conjunction of Planets
“Celestial greetings my dearest moonbeams. I hope this forecast finds you well on whatever dimension of existence you find yourself within. We here in the 3rd, Earth dimension have a very exciting planetary aspect in the heavens this evening. This transit brings with it tidings of a new cycle, of new possibilities for our consciousness and society. I am, of course, speaking about the conjunction of Uranus, the planet of revolution and disruption, with Neptune, the planet of dreams and illusions, in the sign of Capricorn at 19 degrees. This is a most rare transit that will not happen again for another 172 years, and unless any of you happen to find yourselves within any temporal Anomalies, you likely won’t be here to see it. At least that is, in the body you inhabit now.
Perhaps as a thought experiment, you might imagine our world in 172 years, during the next time these two great planets come together. I can only hope that the experiences that come to pass during this great cycle seek to align us closer together and bring us closer to our cosmic brethren. That is all for now my dearest moonbeams. Be well and remember that from stardust you came, and to stardust you shall return.”
My Two Best Friends and Me
“Welcome back to my Two Best Friends and me. Where we talk about people’s problems in this world. But it’s just me this week.
You might be wondering why, especially after losing Alex a couple of weeks ago.
Well, Ben and I had to go out into the Zone for some supplies when all of a sudden, we heard this rustling in a bush and Alex’s voice coming from it.
Ben ran over as soon as he heard it, but then I heard some screaming. And then silence. And then I heard Ben’s voice saying, “Help Me”. But it sounded off. It wasn’t him.
Not—not the person I know.”
A Sermon
“And so Lord Jesus says I am your Shepherd, you shall not want. That's Psalm 23 now, 23, one of our ministry's most beloved psalms. And so He says I maketh you lie down in green pastures: I leadeth you beside the still waters. Now, it's our trust in the Lord—even when we are scared and lonely, or—hurt—that He will guide our bodies and He will take us to the green pastures of His valley. I fear not because the Lord is my shepherd
For we are members of Jesus Christ's Earthly ministry. \r
We are made in His image. And as the children of God, the earth will not be our last home. For Revelation 7:17 says the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be our shepherd, and He will guide us into springs of living water. Brothers and sisters, the shepherd is coming to guide us home.
I will dwell in the house of the Lord, forever.”
Sasquatch Love Song
“I knew I loved you
my nine foot friend
when I caught you striding
around the bend
when I saw you in the trees
when I smelt you on the breeze
and I know
you must be lonely out there
why don’t you give me a call
because I’m lonely too
and two people
in a place like this
we should be together”
Missing Cat
“To anyone who can hear this, please keep an eye out for my cat, Cedar. He is an orange tabby, hefty build, with a snaggletooth. He’s been missing for a week. I’m really worried about him. He’s disappeared like this before but never this long and—wait, hang on—Cedar? Cedar! You’re back!
Never mind everyone, Cedar came home. You've got to stop scaring me like that buddy. Come on, let’s get you dry.”
A Trapped Rabbit
“Alicia heard the rabbit struggling before she saw it, its screams loud and surprisingly human-like. They echoed through the dimly lit forest. She followed the sounds, passing through the thick brush that filled the dark spaces between the trees.
Entering a small clearing, she saw the grey-furred creature, trapped beneath several dead branches. Alicia knelt and reached forward through the sticks, intending to free the rabbit. As she grabbed its soft flank, she felt movement within, as if the rabbit were filled with writhing worms.
Alicia pulled gently, but the creature was stuck firmly against the ground, its screams drilling into her head. She pulled harder, and with a tearing sound like Velcro separating, the rabbit came free. She could see what appeared to be translucent vines thrashing on the earth where the rabbit was trapped. A few were milky white, but several were bright red, spilling crimson drops from their tips. Several more strands were dangling from underneath the now silent and weakened rabbit.
Were the trees feeding on this animal?”
Crocodile Advice
“Good morning, people. Right now, this is very important. Do never kill crocodiles. Because, in Florida, there's crocodiles and alligators. In Belize, there's only crocodiles.
And let me tell you something. If you actually do that, or you see somebody doing something, or killing them, just to tell you—they just want money. Just say stop. You do not want to do this. Because they can actually snap at you.
My mom got snapped by a crocodile. Her whole pinky got bloody. Never, ever, do something to a crocodile, because it will get frightened. And something will happen to you. And never panic. Never panic. Stay calm.
Because if your parents are a surgeon—anything—that is good, because they can teach you stuff that is important for your life. And if you scream, that thing is going to get worse. Because then you actually feel the pain. And then you're going to get dehydrated and more blood is going to fall out, because the blood is liquid.”
Lost Llamas
“Hello, this is farm dispatch 2021. And just putting out a little warning on the radio. It seems that we’ve got llamas?
Not really sure where they came from, but we’ve got about a herd of 200-300 llamas running around out here. If anybody’s—if anybody’s lost any llamas, just yeah, I guess, call me. 'Cause I got your llamas.”
Yellow Door In The Woods
“Hello? Is anyone out there? If you can hear this, I’m in Sector E. Well, I think I am.
I was walking my dog along the Night Beach Trail. We got off-track, and it’s been three days.
I don’t know what to do. My dog keeps trying to go into this yellow door in the woods. It gives me a bad feeling. I don’t want to go in there. Please help.”
Busted Transmitter
“Hello? Is anyone out there? If you can hear this, I’m in sector 13. My transmitter—my transmitter’s busted.”
Befriending an Anomaly
“Okay, okay. This is my 17th transmission, but this one is by far the best. ARDA, you’re not gonna find me, buzz off, thank you.
The other day, I got to thinking, I’m always running from the weird stuff that happens out here, but what if instead I could befriend one? So I set out, and y’all, I did it. You know those goopy, glowy, floaty rocks? The ones that come out of nowhere, chase you, and mess up your car? Well I found a few just a ways from the cabin, and now I have one in the shed. Its name is Sam!”
Neighbors
“And this is a beautiful day to go out and enjoy our dimension and share it with our neighbors, full of light and love. Let us unify our consciousness with theirs and share ourselves so that we can also expand into theirs throughout infinity.”
Should We Have Left?
“And I don't know. Should we have left?
You’re right. The kids don’t know any better. But I don't know—growing up in a place like this?”
Undefined
There are several different transmissions of guitar strumming. The subtitle text that accompanies this is:
[Guitar Strumming]
There are several different transmissions of noise. The subtitle text that accompanies this is:
[Noise]